Rant & Rave . . .

I must vent to somebody . . . before I go crazy. How is it that you love your children so much that you would die for them and yet you'd like to kill them too. It just doesnt't seem right. It makes absolutely no sense. If anyone ever tried to hurt my babies I'd come unglued and spend the next 30 years in prison. Yet on the flipside I feel like slamming their heads into the wall, shoving full bars of soap into their mouths, tying their hands together, and locking them in a room far, far, far away from where I am. Every day I wake up in a rather good mood, and within the first five minutes of my children being awake I feel like a monster. My muscles are tight and my back is hunched over, my eyes have become thin little slits, I have foam and druel oozing through my teeth, and my voice is several octives lower. I feel like a mad-woman. This is not the mom that I envisioned being. I realize that my children are all the same sex and very close in age, but I was hoping that it would make them closer, not fight every waking moment of the day. I pray that when they are older this closeness will happen. As of right now they can't seem to breathe the same air without a disagreement that turns into a huge battle. Of course Asher has absolutely no sympathy that his older brother is handicapped, he'll push him off chairs, drag him around by his legs, and take something from him and start running knowing that he can't be caught by his brother on the crutches. Then again will uses everything as a weapon. Asher has been hit many times by remotes and crutches. Wil likes to pinch him and I think Wil has run over his toes (on purpose) with his wheel chair too. Not to mention Wil is older and smarter and does very well manipulating Asher to do things for him or get things for him, especially the 'off limits' things. When 'busted' it is Asher at the scene of the crime not Wil. For the most part Saige is out of the picture with the little ones, but once a day you will hear him yelling at one of them. Saige's issues are primarliy with me. He wants to be independant and have the freedoms of a 16 year old and he doesn't like to hear the word no. Once the word 'NO' is uttered in our house by a parent you would think that world stopped spinning.
Don't get me wrong, my children have more good traits than bad. There are so many things that I love about them. So many things that make them individuals and special. Lately though, the sibling rivalry has been getting to me. This morning I felt that I was at the end of my rope, and it took everything inside of me to stay calm while disciplining them. I think I need a spa day or maybe just a day and night - 24 hours- without any of my children. Go to a hotel and sleep without being woke up by a child getting into our bed or Wil's ostomy bag leaking, soak in a bathtub that I don't have to clean first and empty out toys. Order room service so I don't have to cook. I could have the t.v. all to myself and I wouldn't have to watch any cartoons. I could . . . I should . . . I should probably get my head out of the clouds and back to reality. I have dishes, laudry, and cleaning to do and Asher will be home soon from pre-school. Whewww!!! I do feel better now , getting all of that out. Thank you for letting me vent and realizing that even though I may get fed up with things from time to time, you all know how much I really do love my children.